NEW Podcast Interview Parenting Different with Anna Bernacki-Navigating Identity and Trauma: Insights from an Adoptee Turned Adoptive Mom
- Dolly Regier
- Apr 30
- 4 min read
Adoption is often seen as a story of hope and new beginnings. Yet beneath the surface, many adoptees carry a quiet grief that is rarely spoken about. What happens when an adoptee becomes an adoptive mom? This question opens a complex and deeply personal journey that touches on identity, belonging, trauma, and healing. In a recent episode of Parenting Different with Anna Bernacki, Dolly Regier shares her experience living on both sides of the adoption triad. Her story reveals the challenges and breakthroughs that come with parenting through adoption, especially when your own adoption story shapes your path.
Living Between Two Worlds
Dolly was adopted from South Korea and raised in a multi-racial adoptive family. Growing up, she heard the beautiful parts of her story—the love, the rescue, the new family—but not always the grief that lay beneath. This hidden grief is common among adoptees who grow up with a narrative focused on being “chosen” or “saved.” While these stories offer comfort, they can also mask feelings of loss, confusion, and unanswered questions about identity and birth family.
When Dolly felt called to adopt herself, the process unexpectedly reopened many of these buried questions. She faced the realities of identity and belonging not just as an adoptee but as a parent responsible for protecting her child’s story. This dual perspective gave her a unique insight into the complexities of adoption that many adoptive parents may not experience firsthand.
Protecting Your Child’s Adoption Story
One of the most delicate aspects Dolly discusses is the tension between sharing and guarding her daughter’s adoption story. In small rural communities, where everyone knows each other, the visibility of being a transracial adoptive family can bring unwanted attention and questions. Dolly explains how important it is to avoid oversharing, to protect her child’s privacy, and to control the narrative around adoption.
This protective approach helps her daughter feel safe and respected. It also acknowledges that adoption stories are deeply personal and can carry trauma that requires sensitivity. Dolly’s experience shows that parenting through adoption means balancing openness with discretion, allowing children to share their stories on their own terms.
Identity Struggles for Transracial Adoptees
Identity confusion is a common struggle for transracial adoptees, especially in small communities where diversity may be limited. Dolly’s daughter faced challenges related to racial visibility and fitting in. These struggles often intensify during the teenage years when questions about self and belonging become more urgent.
Dolly shares how these identity challenges are compounded by the silent weight of loss that adoption carries. Even when surrounded by love, adoptees can feel disconnected from their birth culture and family. This disconnection can lead to feelings of isolation or confusion about where they truly belong.
How Trauma Shows Up in Teens
Adoption-related trauma often does not appear in obvious ways. For Dolly’s family, trauma showed up as emotional regulation difficulties, resistance to therapy, and parenting triggers that felt familiar from Dolly’s own childhood. Teens may express trauma through behavior rather than words, making it harder for parents to understand and respond effectively.
Dolly’s story highlights the importance of recognizing these trauma responses and seeking tools that address the root causes rather than just the symptoms. Parenting through trauma requires patience, empathy, and sometimes new approaches that go beyond traditional therapy.
Neurofeedback as a Turning Point
A significant breakthrough for Dolly’s family came through neurofeedback, a brain-based tool that helps regulate the nervous system. After years of struggling with trauma responses and therapy resistance, neurofeedback offered a new way to support healing.
Neurofeedback works by training the brain to find safety and balance, which can reduce anxiety, improve emotional regulation, and enhance overall well-being. Dolly explains how this approach helped not only her daughter but the entire family system. When the brain feels safe, the whole family can change.
Why Nervous System Healing Works Best for Families
Healing trauma is not just an individual journey but a family one. Dolly’s experience shows that nervous system healing works best when the whole family participates. This collective approach creates a supportive environment where everyone can grow and heal together.
By addressing trauma at the neurological level, families can break cycles of stress and reactivity. This creates space for healthier communication, stronger bonds, and a deeper understanding of each other’s experiences.
What You Can Take Away
Many adoptees carry hidden grief beneath the “chosen” narrative.
Adopting after being adopted brings unique challenges and insights.
Protecting your child’s adoption story helps maintain their privacy and safety.
Transracial adoptees in small communities often face identity struggles.
Trauma in teens may show up as behavior and emotional regulation issues.
Neurofeedback offers a promising tool for trauma and nervous system regulation.
Healing works best when the whole family participates in the process.
Dolly Regier’s story is a powerful reminder that adoption is not just about creating families but about navigating complex emotions and histories. Parenting through adoption requires honesty, protection, and innovative approaches to healing. When families find tools that support nervous system regulation, they open the door to lasting change and hope.
If you are an adoptive parent or adoptee, consider exploring brain-based healing methods like neurofeedback. Protect your child’s story while allowing space for identity and healing. This journey is challenging but filled with opportunities for growth and connection.
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